|‘Kings Of Caerleon’
Somewhere in the murky depths of the late nineties I recall an actual snowy Christmas, not enough to stop the entire country and whip my snowshoes out but a definite sprinkling that made everything look like a lovely dream, As the first flakes started to fall I remember taking the initial few steps from my local pub and feeling the joy of a billion children as Santa sprinkled his magic dust on them.
The long walk home was magical and with every minute that passed the snow fall got heavier and heavier, great stuff and so magical I felt amazing, finally after probably the most inebriated/magical stroll of my life I reached the end of my street, as I looked at the icicles hanging from the street lamps and felt the gentle flakes of ice bounce off my face, an idea hit me. Why not make a snowman!!!! I could be the first guy on the street to bless all the neighbors with this wonderful treat, A surprise for the entire neighborhood.
Wonderful! Well at least for two minutes until the beer started to wear off and the cold started to set in, then it hit me….screw the snowman, I’m gonna draw a massive snow willy in the street with my boots, ha ha ha ha I thought, a surprise from Old St Dick and no one would be any the wiser to who had defaced the entire street.
So there it was a ten foot Phallus for all to see in the now settling snow, I even put the classic three drip finish coming out of the tip, It was lovely and I laughed myself home straight into my bed, everything was perfect……Until I woke up to my dad knocking the door and asking If I knew anything about what was going on outside, I pulled back the curtain to reveal a relatively large group of local families all stood around the mystery Christmas Bellend looking angrily up at my window….The mystery Christmas Phallus wasn’t that mysterious mainly due to the fact that a suspect set of incredibly wonky footprints led straight from the piss dripping tip straight to my front door……………….I don’t live there anymore.
Happy Christmas one and all, but beware of the mystery snow dick.
-Johnny Loveeggs @eggsyglc